A Tiny Little Problem
by el mano
Summary: yo so Joker is hanging out trying to get official things done and one lucky little lady decides its the perfect time to chat with him.
1. Chapter 1

**El Mano: yo so I like the Joker pairings, but I'm surprised no one has thought of this one though. Even if it's totally farfetched but there is really no history between the two so I thought what if they met on some late night meetings or something of that nature. **

Chapter1: A Simple Shore Leave

Joker monitored the multiple consoles that needed the constant…. Well some monitoring but hey he had flimsy legs what else was he going to do as shore leave was issued yet again, as the commander seemed fit to have a break after a difficult mission. Man, dying changed a mans' priorities in life. He used to be all gun hoe and willing to always keep pushing his enemies. Now he put them down and partied on a job well done. Not as paragon as he used to be but it was nice to have the crew in high spirits and no alliance dead line to be meet all the time. As he turned to the ever growing stack of paper work that Miss Lawson wanted him to fill out for some godforsaken reason he couldn't help but hear the click click of heels as they made their way closer to him.

Her accent was particularly heavy when she was mad and she was usually mad at him when she wasn't mad at Jack, Shepard, Tali, Garrus, Grunt, Mordin, the crew and Thane. Come to think about it she had that accent every time she talked to somebody who was incompetent and that was… Everybody in her opinion.

"…Joker! Are you even listening to me?" Miranda sounded very angry for some reason today, more so than usual.

Joker looked over his shoulder and gave her an amused glance before turning his attention to his paper work "I would be able to hear you if I didn't have all this paper work up to my ears." he motioned to the comically large stack of perilously stacked papers. "I mean really where do you kill the trees to give me all this stuff and why are you using paper? A data pad would be much easier to fill this stuff out on?"

Miranda frowned, Joker always did talk back to his superior officers but this was a major issue. Gritting her teeth she walked to his side and tapped the control panel on of his seat which turned him sideways to face her almost smiling at the confused look on his face. "As I said Mr. Moreau, I have concern on the performance of your duties."

Jokers face grew hard. "I have done all that you've asked of me and I've been doing them better than any other could."

Suddenly EDI's blue orb popped up. "I agree with Mr. Moreau, Miss Lawson, Jeff has been handling the Normandy with exceptional skill that any other pilot would be lucky to have."

Joker looked at EDI with a raised eyebrow. "EDI are you hitting on me?"

"I am not able to harm crew members Jeff." EDI's orb winked out.

Miranda smiled at the exchange. "See! I have been doing…my j-job" Joker stopped talking as he looked back at Miranda_. "Sure Miranda was designed to be the perfect but nobody said that her smile was cute… wait what? Nope I just didn't think that, she is a Cerberus operative, she is a Cerberus operative she is a Cerberus operative!" _

Miranda raised a perfect eyebrow at the Pilot as he stuttered over the ending of his sentence. Maybe she was having an effect on him, time to mess with the Joker. She smiled inwardly and her halo became horns. "Never thought I would make the ever-cool Jeff "Joker" Moreau stumble over his words, especially since scuttle butt says you prefer the boys." If Joker was drinking anything he would have ruined one of her many skin tight suits.

"I d- who the- i'll ki- I DO NOT LIKE GUYS!" Jeff finally managed to spit out. His face was a bright red, mostly out of anger but some from embarrassment. Miranda laughed merrily, she never knew making the usually cynical, one lining pilot stumble over his words like a school boy would be this much fun. When she calmed down she looked at the still red face of Joker and went into a giggling fit. She didn't notice him standing until he was in front of her. She looked up at him in surprise; he was usually sitting so she didn't notice how tall he actually was. "I don't know why you think my performance is slipping but I'll tell you two things before I kick your perfect ass out of my cockpit." She was about to tell him off but he hushed her with an unusually soft finger on her lips, surprised at his lack of respect for her personal space, especially since she could splatter him against the windshield. "I am not gay and this is why." He removed his offending finger and kissed her softly making her computer like brain instantly shut down. It lasted only for a moment but it felt unbearably long to her and somehow…in a good way she concluded.

He pulled back and gently nudged her out of the door which she complied muttering something before closing the door and locking it. He chuckled at his actions before he realized who he was dealing with. Miranda "Mother Fucking" Lawson. "Shit."

EDI popped up "your neck deep Jeff, it was nice to have a pilot like you around." She blinked out and Jeff fell back into his seat. Jeff picked up his pen and clicked the top before turning a paper on its clean white back.

"To my mother, I leave my poker table; to my sister I leave my porn collection..."

**El Mano: so yeah there you have it a new pairing for joker. im totally original today. ka pow. i dont own anything. please update or this might be just a one-shot. **


	2. Chapter 2

**El Mano: i still dont own anything peace out. little tast of next chapter at the bottom.**

Chapter 2: The Little Misunderstanding

Miranda plopped down on her bed. Her eyes staring but not really comprehending what they saw. Her mind was focused on more important things like, WTF, WTF, and WTF! He kissed me, how did some crippled pilot get the jump on me, well it did feel kind of nice…. NO IT DIDN"T! No! Boys are disgusting and filthy and Jeff is a prime example of that. Wait, did I just call him Jeff? NO his name is JOKER, Joker, Joker, Joker! Miranda's eyes focused slightly and narrowed. "That Bastard!" Miranda stood and threw the pillow she didn't know she was holding at her wall resounding in a small thump before knocking over a small vase she bought on Illum. She held that position for a moment before standing straight and then slumping her shoulder. "He didn't even let me tell him that I couldn't read his handwriting on his paper work. Of course she knew that Jeff had been doing what he was really paid to do and that was to fly but the paperwork always had a purpose…

She didn't hear the door to her room open as Shepard walked in but when he cleared his throat she jumped and spun on him like an animal, her hand on the heavy pistol always attached to her thigh. Shepard raised his hands in mock surrender, a small grin on his face. "I hear your going crazy in here."

Miranda lowered her pistol and looked at her pillow lying sadly on the floor and at the scattered remnants of her vase. She looked him straight in the eyes her mouth a thin line. "Everything is perfectly fine in here Shepard, I just… tripped."

Shepard raised an eyebrow "okay, just call me if you feel like you need to talk." She nodded and he turned to leave but as he walked out he turned around and smiled "also hey, Joker has locked himself in the cockpit and won't open it up. He keeps saying that he's doing maintenance but EDI said that you would know something about it, do you?"

Miranda's cheeks lit up a light red "um no, this is the first time I am hearing about It." her hands linked together in front of her and she looked away from Shepard for a moment before jumping into her chair and turning on her console; trying in vain to look like she was going to do something important.

Shepard gave her a knowing grin and swiftly turned around "nice going Miranda." The door shut behind him as Miranda turned a bright red her head falling into her hands.

Miranda took a deep before looking up at her console. She raised her right hand to inspect carefully and then pressed a finger to her lips where they had kissed; they haven't stopped tingling since he kissed her. She looked over at her window. "Damn it."

/ Shepard/

Shepard stood on a box as he used a chalk to mark down the vague order of statistics on a chalk board as he readjusted his green visor. "Okay so we have a 2:1 chance that he messes with her again before she uses her biotics to beat him to death with his own arms. A 3:8 odd of her eviscerating him with a Spork and 1:10 odds of him getting to live with only a couple of bruises, all bets are open, come on! This is a once in a life time event and we have to fund this operation somehow. Tali how we doing on the phones?"

Tali looked away from her console "we got 2K on him being eviscerated from our off shore gambler."

Shepard nodded and looked at Grunt who was dressed in a suit. Which is strange, where'd he get that much material? Grunt turned around with glasses on and shouted "10k on living by anonymous!"

Shepard looked at his crew and nodded, the cargo bay grew into a large betting pool as EDI filled them into the situation upstairs.

EDI's voice popped up in the middle of this silencing all gathered. "Commander Miranda has entered the elevator, approximately five minutes remains for betting… actually commander its seems ten, she stepped out and grabbed what you humans known as Sporks"

Shepard broke out in a sweat as he turned back to the crew "three minutes before all bets are closed! Now come on, you can't bring it with you!" he grinned as more money was being poured in and more callers started bidding.

"Damn I'm good."

/ meanwhile in the cockpit/

Joker tapped his Ink well pen against the small jar and snuffed out the candle he had lit and took of his reading glasses. The back of the paperwork had now become his will, and he nodded at the official ness of the paper. He put all of his writing supplies into a small bag and tried to figure out the best way he wanted to get viciously murdered. Maybe the 'oh no!' and splat against window or maybe the 'Make it qu- 'and his brains gets splattered against the console. Or the oh so popular 'oh my god! Please stop beating me with my arms, oh god, this is so painful, this is not fun, not fun at all!'

"Jeff, Miranda Lawson just got off the elevator, I would like to say that it has been a pleasure and that I hope you don't get spaced." EDI's sudden appearance and disappearance went unnoticed as Joker nearly had a heart attack as the cockpit door lit up green and the smirking face of Miranda Lawson twirling the master key card and the stare of the rest of the crew appeared as she walked into the room and locked it behind her.

"Hey Jeff."

Damn it.

Joker slowly tapped a button and his chair and it slowly spun him around, almost comically as Miranda shifted her weight from on hip to another. Joker looked down and clicked the button a couple more times trying to hurry up the slow turn. "Come on, come ON!"

Miranda huffed, crossing her arms "EDI please turn Mr. Moreau toward me." her voice was very authoritative he noticed as EDI turned his chair way faster than his 1Mph turn to get away. She nearly laughed at the fear etched on his face.

"EDI you traitor!" Edi didn't respond; she was getting busy trying to get the best possible angle of Jeff's death.

Miranda closed the distance between them slowly. Her walk was that of a predator, her eyes were pointed and a pout was evident on her lips, her biotics glowed a soft blue. Jeff was nearly hyper ventilating as she stood in front of him, her eyes showed amusement like a cat playing with a mouse. "EDI, turn off all recording devices." He could've sworn that EDI was disappointed as she replied an affirmative.

Jeff looked around a frown on his face before turning to her "Are you shitting me? Cameras in the cockpit I spend some nights in here you know, and that is an invasion of privacy."

Miranda rolled her eyes as she bent down to face him eye level, putting her hands on his arm rest giving joker no hope for escape. "trust me Jeff, what you do in 'private' in the cockpit isn't recorded but there is a certain Commander who has a large betting pool going on in the Cargo bay and I bet 1:10 that I let you live with some bruises. Currently the cameras were on so I turned them off so no one could see what comes next" Joker sighed in relief but her eyes amused eyes worried him.

"So you're not going to kill me?" he asked meekly.

She smiled "nope" was her response as things took a wicked left turn. She sat on his lap gently keeping some of her weight on her legs. Her hands knocked off his hat as her gloved hands curled in his hair. His eyes widened as her lips touched his once more, her body closer than before and her warmth burning him. She kissed him hungrily, and he slowly complied, his arms encircling her perfect waist. She only kissed him more to encourage their touch. It had certainly been to long since he inhaled the scent of a woman, the feel of whatever her cat suit comprised of was nothing he'd ever felt before and the way this woman felt in his hands was invigorating, something to cherish and not waste. In vain his hands touched her hungrily trying to memorize her.

Women in his love life were few and far between, they either left him when this act of intimacy was coming up or they just couldn't handle being stared at by being with the "cripple" which brought up the question why she was doing something like this with him. His hands that wanted to remember her soon became the barrier between them as he pushed her slowly away from him. He almost lost his resolve when he looked at her lust filled eyes. Her face was illuminated by the console lights and he just wanted to keep going but a small part of him stopped him. She was going to ask him what he was doing but stopped as he asked "why are you doing this?"

She snapped out of her lust stupor before frowning "you started this Mr. Moreau."

Joker raised an eyebrow "by kissing you? Please, you are Miranda Lawson, guys have got to be throwing themselves at you." He had seen the way his male crewmembers looked at her in her suit, their eyes either on her breasts or ass; he was probably the only one besides the specialists on the team who ever looked in her eyes. His mind quickly did a 180, his eyes becoming hard. Was this a pity fuck? If that was the case she had done something he would never forgive her for, sure she fixed his legs a bit but he didn't need any ones pity.

She noticed his curious eyes turn to razor edges and her genius mind started to compile evidence on what the hell he was thinking. "So what if they do? They're moron and complete buffoons and I refuse to be their one night stand."

"Then what am I?" he asked, his voice was soft but his eyes showed concern and pain. She instantly understood what he meant. She felt offended by the mere implication that she was trying to use him. but then again, why had she come here, why was she currently straddling her pilot, why did she just want to run away and hide from the look he was giving her, why did her heart hurt when she realized that she didn't have an answer for him. For the first time in her life Miranda backed down to a challenge and for the second time in her life decided to run away. She let go of her grip on his shoulders, she didn't realize she was holding until he saw the pained look on his face, and got off him.

"That's what I thought." He whispered as he turned away from her and acted like he was doing something important rubbing the area where she gripped him from time to time. She stood and watched him for a moment and before she could say something stupid she left unlocking the door and locking it behind her. Her face was set in a neutral expression to the crew who were staring at her before resuming their work like nothing happened. She walked to the elevator and as she passed the Commander he asked "do I still have a pilot?" she nodded briskly and went down to the mess hall and into her room to figure out what the hell she was doing.

Damn it.

**El Mano: so heres the new chapter, things got a little heavy but wait whats this? Joker thinks Miranda is toying with him, Miranda doesn't know if she is or not and Shepard is so OC? Well find out what happens next time in Chapter 3: The words don't make sense so I'll just fill in the spaces. Teaser is below:**

"We have nothing to discuss Mr. Moreau." She looked away from him and focused on her console. That is until he threw it on the floor.

"I'm not here for games Miranda!" he looked into her steely brown eyes and held his position, his already weak legs were starting to tremble from the strain of being up so long or maybe he was scared of uncharted territory. He never sought out conflict like this with another person before but damn it he had to know what she wanted.

He watched as she stood, her eyes were razors and he could feel her power in the air. "Leave. Now." her voice is grounded by her teeth and he knows she means business.

"no…"

**Enjoy it,**

**El Mano**


End file.
